A Pregnancy

In July of 2007, we tried artificial insemination for the first time. To my surprise, this led to a pregnancy. I took a home test and got a weak positive. I went in to the doctor's office, and in my naivety expected to be told, "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" Instead, Michelle explained to me that I would have to have a series of blood tests taken over the next couple of weeks to determine if it was a viable pregnancy. The hormone hCG level should double every two days. So, I went in every two days and then waited by the phone for the gut-wrenching phone call. The second blood test wasn't good news--the hCG level wasn't as high as it should have been. The next test was better. I went in for a sonogram, and we had a heartbeat at six weeks (this was calculated from my last period). Michelle said, "I'll never ceased to be amazed," and I was relieved. I could tell my doctor was still concerned, though. I went ahead and told my family and close friends about the pregnancy, thinking that because we had a heartbeat, it would be okay.

Two weeks went by, and I went in for a sonogram. I lay on the table and minutes went by while the sonographer searched for a heartbeat and a baby--nothing. "I'm sorry," she said. "Do you want to call in the doctor?" He came in, looked at the monitor, and shook his head. "I'll talk to you in my office," he told me. By this point I had disintegrated, clinging still to a little bit of disbelief. In his office, my doctor said, "It's not your fault. It doesn't seem fair, after all you've been through." He wanted to do a D & C to clean out my uterus. He said, "Most women want to have it done and return to normal as quickly as possible." I didn't know what to do--what if there was something wrong with the machine and the baby was okay? I asked for a blood test to be sure.

When I left the doctor's office, I found a downstairs bathroom and cried some more. I collected myself enough to get to my car and got back into the elevator. A woman there asked me if I was okay, and I told her I had gotten some bad news. She hugged me. At the time, I wanted to be left alone, but now I appreciate her compassion.

By the time I got to my car, I was angry. I tore out of the parking lot.